The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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