I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
