is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
