Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
