Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
