He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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