i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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