i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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