If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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