I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
