yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
