i barfeds in our rink
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
