When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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