Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
