just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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