Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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