Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
