I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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