I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
