Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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