I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
