too bad you live with your parents still
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
