I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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