so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
