Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
