Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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