I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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