I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
