pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
