I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
