and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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