i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize