I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
