I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
