3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
