I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
