How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
