i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
