dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
