Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
