Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
