I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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