Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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