saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
