I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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