I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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