Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
