I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
