I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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