Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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