True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
