Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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