she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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